Malaise in midlife?

Chatting with my little self for answers.

I recently attended a 90th birthday party at an upscale French Restaurant. I am normally one who loves to dress up for a gathering and make my way around the room initiating conversation. For some reason, on this night, I found myself making frequent visits to the ladies’ room to get relief from the torture of speaking to strangers. Some of the awkwardness came from being completely aware of myself, extra weight from perimenopause, and the overhang of dread when I check on my failing mother thru The Ring Camera app.

As I squatted and wrestled my skirt out of my Spanx, I wondered who the hell am I? How did I allow myself to get this heavy? Am I seriously back to being shy? I thought I cured myself of being shy and insecure in the fourth grade! Why are the younger guests maintaining a solid perimeter away from me? How do I become funny again? Where do I belong? Why do I even care who likes me and who doesn’t at this age? And, and, and, and, and.

I grew up around two kitchen tables: my Italian Grandmother’s and my friend Kathy’s mom’s table. It was a table of women, for women, to witness each other’s lives and share our hearts. We laughed at each other and ourselves, and it was enough. I belonged at these tables. These hen sessions diffused my cares and made life more manageable. Now, both Grandma and Kathy’s mom’s tables are gone as well as the feeling of true belonging.

There is a malaise wrapped around me lately and a longing for aliveness. Who better to snap me out of this mindset? Little Tracey of course! When I was younger, I absolutely had more fun and most of it was by myself! I found this grainy photo of myself around 6yrs old and really dropped in and asked my younger self - who are you? What brings you joy?

She responded by giving me a list of things to help lighten up:

• Sing! - I used to make up my own songs and sing them while roller-skating across the street at St. Michael’s Church.

• Create something! - One of the many craft projects I’d work on is making rings out of chestnuts. I’d first have to find a sharp rock then slowly and meticulously carve out a hole to fit my tiny finger.

• Play! - As a child, playing meant I went outside, practiced gymnastics, played “jailbreak” with kids in the neighborhood and came home with prickers in my hair when my mother opened the door and yelled “dinner.”

• Dance! - I had a hard time sitting still, dancing always served as a magical release.

• Rest! - My mom was a nap enforcer. I always resisted but inevitably I felt rejuvenated after. Enjoy the rest when you need it. Life will be there when you wake up.

• Make new friends! - Life is all about characters flowing in and out of your life. Stay open to meeting new hens.

Finally parting words with my little self was to stay curious! Exciting things are happening every day all around you. Use all your senses to describe the people in your writing, be grateful and smile.

Thanks for taking the time to read this post.

Be well,
🌺 Tracey