Sassy, Sarcastic, Smart

Pivoting on caregiving.

We are all going to die, every single one of us and at the end, if we are fortunate to have a long and full life, our bodies are going to break down. Lately I have been wondering how I would like to be treated and remembered when it’s my turn? Do I want a caregiver to see my failing body and think it represents the best of me?

I’ve spent the past year and a half thrown into caregiving for my mother and it’s been a tumultuous, emotional journey. Some days I want to fast track the process and put a pillow over her head and other days when she is completely herself, I’m choked with grief. Then, last week when she refused to come with me to get her health insurance renewed, I was so frustrated and panicked at the thought of her losing her healthcare, I grabbed her pack of cigarettes off the coffee table, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it with my wooden clog as hard as I could. It was so unlike me to lose my temper that we were both shocked into a moment of disbelief, then laughter.

Instead of reducing my mother to the currently frail individual, ever sleeping in her robe on the couch, I’ve chosen to share this photo that most represents her personality and the full life she’s lived.

I grew up with a mom who was always trending. We were the first people I knew who could make a phone call from the TV, who got a camcorder, ordered a DVR, and when Twitter came along my mother had over 4,500 followers! When asked what her name was so I could see what she was posting she refused to “give me her handle.” I did figure out her “handle” and her posts were of photos from all over the world where she had traveled with her then boyfriend she called “Lard Ass.”

She’s passionate about many things; politics, television, gossip magazines, her grandkids and pizza! She’s always been a couch potato and when her fanatical workout sister called to say she’s got Osteoporosis and “can’t believe” my mother doesn’t have it, my mom’s response was; “I eat a lot of cheese.”

Always a mixture of resourceful and lazy. One year she thought it would be great to throw a sheet over the decorated Christmas tree and then just bring it upstairs from the basement the following year, or the time she didn’t feel like cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and we got takeout from the grocery store - both failures. One of my favorite resourceful lazy moments is when she drove me to the airport after a snowstorm. She didn’t want to clean off the car, so instead made a baseball size hole in her dashboard so she could see out. When an officer pulled her over and told her she had to get out and clean it off it was comical watching her mumbling profanities in her open coat, full length robe and Marlboro Light dangling from the corner of her mouth.

Her favorite place to visit is Ireland where my sister and her grandkids live. It was very cold one visit and my sister told her specifically not to say it’s cold so the kids wouldn’t join in. She said nothing but layered herself in every sweater she had in her luggage to the point she couldn’t put her arms down. My sister took a picture of her on the chair mummified and sound asleep.

My mother was a bookkeeper by trade and had an unbelievable memory. She is funny, sarcastic and patient. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve kept her on the phone in the dressing room while I tried cloths on and sent her photos or asked her advice on life.

Currently, I call to ask her if she’s taken her medications, how she’s feeling, what does she need at the grocery store. It’s a different relationship, but I don’t treat her like she’s less than. I keep in mind she’s had a full life and she’s happy with it. I consider myself lucky to be there as she transitions to her next adventure.

Thanks for reading!

Be well,
Tracey